Letting Go

Letting go doesn't mean giving up... it means moving on.
- Anonymous-

Forever Leaving...

The night my heart stopped breathing
Words resting on my soul
Didn't know our friendship would be leaving
That we wouldn't be growing old

That night your eyes stopped believing
Forced down a different road
Tears that you'd been weeping
My hands will always hold

Our last night while you were sleeping
I knew my eyes would never close
Always see you breathing
Wishing the sun had never rose

The night your heart stopped breathing
Your words suffocate my soul
My best friend forever leaving
And we won't be growing old

David Bohmiller

I found the above poem on the internet by David Bohmiller. It is a beautiful poem and it struck me with awe when I read it. This could be taken in many ways, I thought.

We've all lost a loved one to death or sometimes to life. What I mean by that, is that sometimes life does not allow us to continue to have certain people in our lives anymore. We get separated by distance, time, betrayal, fear, mistakes, etc.

Everyone has at least one person in their life that they lost and still think about sometimes. Do you ever wonder how they are doing? What has become of them? Are they doing okay? Do they ever think of you? What would have happened if they hadn't of died/left? Do they miss you? Do they care? Do they wish things had gone differently? Do they wish they had said the things they never said before they passed on?

What IF? Those two simple words can be torture.

I recently (or maybe not so recently, but in my heart it feels like just yesterday) I lost someone very dear to me. For a long time it really hurt that I had to lose her. It hurt that things turned out that way. It didn't feel like it was fair. I was so angry and bitter at times. At others I just felt lost. I wanted to fix it and make her come back, but you cannot bring back those that are gone forever. (Whether it is their spirit or just their body/mind) It is easy to turn to God at these times. Easy to blame him and feel anger and bitterness towards him for something you cannot control. I admit I did this, not openly but in my heart. Bitterness for letting me hurt that way. Then I turned to him for help because I couldn't pretend it was his fault. It wasn't my fault either. It happened and I can do nothing to change it. All I can hope for is that someday I will know why.

It took me a long time to get to the point to where I thought I could let go. I didn't think I would ever be able to. But I finally realized that holding onto it was eating me alive. It was hurting me every day. I didn't realize until recently that I had to let go of the past. I can't change what happened, it can't be taken back. It happened. That's that. It's time to move on.

When I reminisce, I try to think of the positive. Not of the loss. Not of the pain it caused. That I fear, will always be there. It always hurts to lose someone. Especially someone very close to your heart. She may not be in my life anymore, but she will always be in my memories and in my heart.

"Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past can be changed." -Oprah Winfrey-

It feels good to be free.